First of all, hi. I’ve been off most forms of social media and not writing for public consumption at all for a good chunk of time now. During that time, my family and I moved out of my childhood home in Rhode Island and into a brand new house in the Connecticut woods. Out here, we’re surrounded by walking trails, lakes and ponds, and most of all, glorious stretches of uninhabited land. It’s given my soul so much room to breathe and helped me realize how much I’ve missed the sharing aspect of my writing life. So my plan is to try to maintain this space with more frequency going forward.
Over the last few years, I’ve gone dark in the online world for long stretches of time; it just hasn’t felt like a hospitable environment for my limited energy. In that time, I’ve also been wrestling with something that I’ve found it hard to talk or write about, but which I want to try to put into words here. Basically, I guess, I’ve been rediscovering who I am and what I believe in, which is both a simple and incredibly complex undertaking. It’s meant reconnecting with the person I was before the world told me who to be, getting clear on my values, and tuning out the endless proselytizing that social media is so good at promoting. Turns out, I just needed to get real fucking quiet for a minute. (Living in the middle of nowhere is great for that.)
One of the things I discovered during that time is that I’m someone who changes her mind a lot. One of the other things I learned is that I have a lot of shame around this habit. I’m not sure where, but at some point in my life I picked up the belief that being a person of integrity means:
-Adopting a particular belief and holding onto it forever
-Forming relationships that will only end when one or both people are dead
-Having the same interests and/or job from age 18-65
So of course, being someone with ADD, a million varying interests, no defined career, and relationships that have naturally run their course while both people are still alive, means I’ve stored up a shitload of shame. In 35 years, I’ve had a lot of jobs, a lot of relationships, and a lot of things I’m super interested in for varying lengths of time, with the high end of that spectrum being several years and the low end several hours. (Ask my husband about the two hours when I wanted to move into a tiny house after I watched a documentary about them. He’s still recovering from that one.)
Over the last five or so years, particularly after getting sober, I’ve been in a highly experimental phase. I’ve cycled through various passions, hobbies, relationships, and belief systems, trying on each one and holding it up against the values I’ve defined as being most important to me. Some of them stuck (sobriety, homeschooling, minimalism). Most of them didn’t (veganism, organized religion, sharing my kids’ faces on social media, hand lettering, graphic design, how I spend my time, how I spend my money, what I put in my body…this list is LONG.)
And all the while, I’ve felt a current of shame running underneath all this change, reminding me that this is not how real adults are supposed to conduct themselves. Like, isn’t it embarrassing to announce you feel one particular way about something and then (gasp!) change your mind? What’s interesting is that the people I am most drawn to are people who change their minds a lot. They take in new information and allow themselves to explore new belief systems. They have lots of interests, sometimes bouncing between different hobbies and careers. They recognize that some relationships are temporary. I admire these people. Oddly enough, I’ve never admired myself for these same traits.
So I guess what I’m saying in a very roundabout way is that I’m trying to change my mind about changing my mind. Giving myself permission to learn new things and let that information change my beliefs about concepts I was once sure of. Muck around in uncertainty and inconsistency, as long as I’m still aligned with my values. Unless the internet is lying, Gandhi once said, “My understanding of truth changes from day to day. My commitment is to truth, not to consistency.” Which is a position I can get behind. My values are firm—connection, communication, creativity, respect, authenticity, passion, personal autonomy—and my reality will constantly reshape itself around these values. For my part, I am going to do my best to let it—no shame required.